DIARY OF MOMENTS ❖ plans are nothing
but planning is everything (Dwight Eisenhower)
Setting an intention doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. I set one last January, ‘Consistency’. I planned some workstreams for it and went through life. Some plans strayed, failed, or other demands arose, which called into question the integrity of the overarching intention. Some succeeded or overachieved, though. I realise now that an intention is really more like a filter or a test.
Okay, so I wanted consistency. I first felt maybe I should just ‘be more consistent at everything’. But what the hell does that even mean, if you’re a human being, not a robot? I think it’s more like “What survived this test of ‘Consistency’ and what fell through?” Being a person is so complicated, don’t use your intention as another weapon to punish yourself. Just ask what you’re learning about the gap between who you are and who you want to be.
Planning is strange: you should be ambitious at the start, and humble and forgiving looking back.
Filters that can cut things in about half are good. In computing, we know that a very efficient algorithm to solve ‘guess the random number’ is to pick the midpoint of the known range every time (a binary search). Given feedback on whether the target number is actually higher or lower, you’ll always guess the number within log(n) time (i.e. the number of times it takes to slice the range in half to get to 1).
Similarly, when setting an intention it’s useful to pick something that you are particularly confused or conflicted about, because you’ll be able to slice the number of your experiments in half by the end of it. So when I set an intention that filters well, I get to learn the half of me that I don’t want to be anymore, and the half of me I want to be more of. Over time, I want to converge toward this platonic ideal, “Who I am meant to be”, though I know it is ultimately asymptotic, an imaginary line that sets the parameters of my life in real ways.
This year I’m looping around the intention of solitude. I am a loner who struggles to be alone. A ridiculous situation to find oneself in. I’ll write more about solitude, but it is not about isolation so much as it is unadulterated creativity and conviction, and being unfettered by the superficials of what others think.
Moving toward B will be good, because he pulls me away from who I think I want to be, and implores me toward who I need to be with gentle truths. I got angry at him when he told me I should be a writer, because it’s ridiculous, but I don’t even have excuses as he’s figured how to live in way more unconventional ways against more hostile forces. I hate that, that he’s right. Schopenhauer says you can want what you will, but you can’t will what you will. But maybe love helps you accept what you will? Unclear.
I’m getting carried away, but I said to him, “Weren’t you ever scared moving countries?” and he said, very casually, “Oh that was easy, but when I first moved cities, they were beating up people on the street who spoke my mother tongue, so I had to figure out how to speak the new language without getting beaten up. That was kind of stressful.” What the fuck? I burst out laughing. I’m such a baby, I need to be better.
Anyway, other than setting useful tests, planning is good because it is one of the few sacred rituals of secular Western life. We need to set them down as signposts through our own path. Philosopher Byung-Chul Han: “Rituals can be defined as temporal technologies for housing oneself. They turn being in the world into being at home.” The act of planning creates a sense of home within oneself as we turn towards adventure. You might say it fortifies a sense of solitude, hey?
Best of luck,
Marlene
P.S., I’ve introduced paid support for this blog, for people who’d like to support my writing. I’ll introduce deeper essays for paid subscribers, who’d like something truly substantial to chew on, or meta stuff about reading / writing craft. Many pieces will still be free.
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Also, an essay of mine is getting printed in the next issue of Island in March. I love this publication. It’s going to be like, stocked in real stores and all that. I’m so happy about it.
Some top notch abstract thinking as always Marlene 🔥👏